yo

obviously i am a lousy bastard and the enthusiasm from the previous post regarding my calling failed to last. I am still doing internal medicine by default but currently entertaining about 10000 other options. I'm anxious-ridden about the whole thing but We'll see. My rank right now would probably be 1) IM, 2/3) EM/Rads 4) Derm 5) ENT

I fuckin dominated my surgery shelf (for once) and so since i'm horrible at everything else ENT has slipped ever so slightly back into the picture

On a lighter note, i thought i would share some comical videos me and some friends made.

The first one was filmed randomly one night a few saturdays ago. We were kind of randomly hanging out and my buddy busted out with his video camera and we picked out a song and made a music video out of it. It was actually a shit load of fun. We filmed in under an hour. Most of the hard work was done by my buddy who spent all of Sunday editing instead of studying for his shelf haha. I have to disclaim that I don't actually dance this shitty but it was my first time in front of a camera (very nerve racking) to tiny computer speaker sound and I was trying to keep from busting out laughing half the time.



We got such good feedback at school that we decided to make another one this weekend. This time my buddy went and made a green screen out of some colored paper lol. We were going professional so the north face sweater didn't make the cut this time :( Then we got some video-hoes (ie MSII's :) and had a hilarious time dancing in front of the green screen. I have to say usually when i see shit like this I think "DORKS". not that we aren't dorks, but it was really fun to make and especially watching the raw footage. I will say my moonwalk normally has more pop to it but it is kinda hard when you are afraid of falling into a fountain. Anyway here is the final release.



anyway bedtime, enjoy lol

blah

feeling shitty.

my best friend here just matched into a great chicago school. i would be happy for her except it means she isn't going to the great local school.

dammit

i don't know why it bothers me so much. probably bc i'm kind of in love with her. she's pretty awesome.

goddamn fucking chicago. i hate that fucking city. it's like where my dreams go to die.

I guess i didn't realize how much i cared about this person until I realized today she wouldn't be around next year. and that makes me sad

Because i hate third year. All of my friends have been on a different track and i rarely get to see them. And while I like a lot of the people i've worked with there are so many goddamn fucking douchebags on my track. I'm sick of the same annoying faces. I want to punch them in the face.

She kept me sane this year. We talked every day. I liked making her laugh. Hanging out with her was one of the few things I looked forward to. She made me not think about sad stuff from the past.

Med school can be so fucking depressing sometimes. You give up the best years of your life. You spend all day in the fucking hospital. You wear a fake smile on your face all of the time. It gets so goddamn tiring and lonely.

so when shit like this gets taken away from me it makes me really sad.

:/

blahahhhhhhhh

Excited

Okay. Long time no update. I have wanted to post many times and even composed posts in my head but I never found enough time to type anything up. Most of the time it would have just been bitching about stupid stuff.

Anyway I guess I'll have to save that shit for later. I do have some amusing stories from the past year of medical adventures.

But right now i'm excited because i just figured out what to do with my life! I decided a few hours ago I wanted to do internal medicine!

I have been thinking ENT/ophtho/medicine/ER/rads for the longest time now. I dropped ENT because I just realized that the biggest driving force for me was the prestige. They are definitely the cream of the crop and the surgeons i respect the most. Fucking awesome guys. Chairman is the coolest guy ever. But I realize the only thing pushing me was the prestige. Unlike my gunner ass counterpart surgeon-to-bes... I just don't really care for the OR, as much as I tried to force myself. Sure surgeries are cool... but I'd much rather fast forward the whole damn thing. I had a liver transplant on a Sunday and while my teammates were pissed they missed it, I was pissed I didn't get out until 4pm. I can't force myself to do that just in some vain attempt to surpass the ENT-ness of my cousin who is obviously smarter than me.

Ok this is getting way too fucking long to explain each excluded specialty... but long story short, I think when I first started medical school, I remember praying that I could survive, even if I was just in the bottom 10% of my class. And then one day we had our first practice anatomy exam and that's when I looked around and realized that half of MDs were dumbshits afterall... you didn't have to be a genius... just a masochist to get into this field. Gee go figure.

Ever since then it's been an ego trip to live up to my own expectations. To do a specialty with 'prestige', something to utilize my ridiculous board score.

Then today I swear to god something happened which I can't stop thinking about. My stroke rehab patient. Who came to me mostly comatose and stanky. Paralysized and shit and unable to do much more than utter "mmrraaagh". Over and over again. I've been working with her for a week now. Seeing her every morning, checking in on her, trying to get her to communicate in some form. Then at the rehab gym today where we were making rounds she looked at me, gave me this big-ass half-smile (other half is paralyzed) and she gave me a fuckin thumbs up sign. I couldn't believe it!!! I'd been trying to get her to do that to yes/no communicate with me for a week. I'd never gotten any signal she even recognized me. And here she fucking thumbs-ups me out of the blue. I wanted to hug her.

Fuck this shit man. I want to help people. I can't believe how happy that retarded mangled thumbs-up sign made me. I've forgotten why I went into medicine. Not to prove how smart I am but because I wanted to help out people like my family when they need it.

so i want to do heme-onc. I realized that I always tell people how depressing that shit seems. But in truth I've never been in a cancer clinic where I didn't find the patients to be charming as hell. It's kind of weird. And this way I get to deal with many people who didn't fuck themselves up via smoking/alcohol/big-mac disease.

In all fairness, I should disclose that I just read that heme-onc docs make a shitload of money. Hey we can't all be saints goddammit.

Anyway I can't believe how excited I am, it's irrational. Probably when I go back to the hospital tomorrow and get a whiff of someone's crotch-stank I will change my mind. But for now I will ride it and see how it goes. We'll see!

hi

sigh

worst day ever

fucking dumbshit ass patient

...

inconsiderate ass full-o-shit mfker i won't name because i don't want to get in trouble.

blah

fdsafdsa

man. my VAcation has turned from a chill 8-3 to an annoyingly busy 8-5. I dunno why patients keep coming in. we need to hide the signs or something. I am totally spoiled by the schedule here. Every minute after 3 hurts! I keep looking at the clock thinking wtf i'm still here?!?!..

primary care i think, is not for me. now i know why House always hated clinic duty... because it totally blows, that's why. outpatient cases are so boring. i want me some real medicine. getting sick of seeing obscure back pains we can't cure. Getting xrays or bloodwork and then handing off to specialists. or maybe i'm just bitter because i'm doing 4/5th the same job as our interns while there's a 110k differential in salary/tuition.

...

lately i've been trying to figure out if my former subi is hitting on me. we've been chatting it up a lot recently and she keeps insisting we NEED to go out for some drinks together. which doesn't compute because i'm a big dork and she's cute with a gargantuan rack. i keep thinking, it's a trap- grab an ax! i mean i can be a charming pig, but come on...

and oh yeah i guess i should mention she has a boyfriend. but they're practically married. well except for the long distance thing. but he is damn rich.

i guess it doesn't compute because i don't usually get that vibe when we're hanging out (not through these insecure and blind eyes anyway). and i know i don't give that vibe out because a) i'm a coward and b) i never really looked at her that way, well except when the eyeballs would wander cuz of the aforementioned goods.

so i'm honestly 95% sure she's not interested. which is good except for the 5% chance of a desperately needed ego boost. but i wouldn't want to fuck someone else over like that anyway. and i think we make pretty awesome just friends.

it is hard to find a good medschool friend who is totally on the same wavelength as you- similar smarts, cynicism, laziness and procrastination ability. she's my new 'smart' friend now that my man-crush step1 betting partner took a year off. it's great. we can totally blow off 3 hours talking shit about stupid/mean/ugly/douche classmates/interns/residents/attendings/patients. but it's obvious we both still really care about patients and gay shit like that.

it would never work out anyway, for a number of different reasons. besides i'm totally in love with my previous subi. i just need her to get back from her away rotation so that i can make my move. and by move i mean i plan to club her on the head and drag her into my cave.

...

fuck i keep coughing. i think i have TB. i will go through my records and execute all of my former patients if i ahve TB.

...

i really need to study. i really really need to study. i feel like everyone is getting smarter than me and it's pissing me off. this upcoming shelf exam is starting to scare me and this damned step up to medicine book is bigger than my step1 first aid review book.

what i need to do is stop looking up reading up on dumb shit like wrestling and mma fighting news.

but check out fedor snap like a cobra and maul the shit out of tim sylvia. what an f'n assassin. hands down the scariest and most badassed mfker on the planet. (ffd to 5:30 if you want just the action):

Fedor Emelianenko vs Tim Sylvia Affliction Banned sélectionné dans Sports et Extrême

Ruling shit out

definitely no urology for me. I've touched more than enough foreign penises within the last couple of weeks to last for this lifetime. that would be 2. which is about 800 too many. So gross.

I think i would do a better genital exam if i strapped a gas mask to my face. it's hard to focus when you're in the presence of nasty-smelling genital funk and you're so acutely aware of alien penis molecules eating through your gloves and entering your trachea on their way into the depths of your soul.

a close second to nasty male genitals has got to be diabetic feet. or dried out edematous statis-dermatitis'd ungroomed old-person foot. especially when you yank off the sock and it's like someone setting off a little dirty-bomb with little bits of dried up foot falling to the ground and untold getting aerosolized.

so gross.

you're sitting there and you realize your hand is on your face and even though you gloved and washed and what not you start thinking about where it's been you start imagining you can still smell it on your hands and now it's all up in the pores of your face.

maybe i'll be desensitized eventually and get used to this sort of thing. i dunno though... i'm still scared of spiders after 27 years.

maybe it's a sign i should really go into radiology. or perhaps the sterile OR field will be different.

...

i'm getting pretty sick of outpatient at the VA. you know you're spoiled when being let out at 5 is a long ass day. i'm sick of looking knee pains and foot pains and ambiguous back pains. i'm tired of doing physicals. i want some damn daily blood values and some followup on patients with more acute illness.

i'm kind of sad that internal medicine is coming to an end in another 6 weeks. i feel like i need another oh... 25 weeks or so. i feel like i still don't know shit. i certainly haven't seen much on the floor. and it's disturbing that i may not have a chance to come back to this stuff which seems like the most important foundation of medicine.

...

I think i need to work on my patient rapport. i'm pretty sure my patients like me but i think my act is getting boring. i'm too busy focusing on being a good listener and empathetic and what not... i think i need to try to inject some humor into my routine. not to the extent of being insensitive of course but i just feel like my attitude is too serious esp during physical exam and they could probably use a lighter atmosphere.

things just seem much happier when the attending or chief is in there doing their thing... they're so much more comfortable in what they can say or do. the patients know they're talking to a bonafide MD, they're more relaxed and smiling, and the interviews are much shorter because i've done all of the dirty work. i feel like i'm playing good cop / boring cop.

...

what i really want to do is work in the "hmmmm... i've never seen that before" comment to get em really worked up. which is true for almost everything i look at.

...

ok i ran out of things to say