Coming Out

I have been in denial on this issue for some time now. But recently it has been weighing too heavily in my mind. I need to get this out...

...

I think I might be gay. GAY.

Dammit.

How else might one explain how, during my two most recent trips to Borders, instead of studying for my anatomy midterm on Thursday, I ended up reading the novel 'Pride and Prejudice' in its entirety? This after having secretly enjoyed the movie one night a few weeks before, without having been coerced into its viewing by a girl. I had tried to justify the event in my mind by telling myself that I hadn't paid for the movie... that by having illegally downloaded such a movie I could maintain some claim to a manly edge. The guilt persisted.

Immediately I set out to right my wrongs by watching, in the dark, a scary movie all by myself. Certainly this would prove my manhood. Alas, it was not meant to be. Not only did fear soon drive me to turn on the lights, but I also realized that I had subconsciously chosen to watch 'The Descent'. A movie about a bunch of strong-willed feminists overcoming adversity and warding off evil monsters in caves. And yeah, I liked that one too.

Am I making too much out of this? When I start to think about it, it makes more and more sense. I'm thin, neat, and impeccably good-looking. I also have a great sense of taste. On more than one occassion I have admitted to enjoying episodes of Gilmore Girls and I also have been known to sing Celine songs aloud. This might also explain my newfound appreciation for country music, my delight in golf and my recent disgust in the sport of football (although Walt Harris is probably the culprit there).

But... but... I don't want to go to hell.

What can be done? My mancard is at stake. I am determined to take any steps necessary to prevent this conversion. I will start my weekend regiment by rotating man classics such as Bloodsport, Enter the Dragon and Debbie Does Dallas in between bouts of red meat and porn. I must also bury my new purchase (yup, I even bought the book) somewhere deep in my closet... way in the back behind the turtlenecks and collection of scented hand lotions. Beyond that, I cannot say for sure. My mind is preoccupied by the realization that I wasted my entire weekend (plus today) and I have a huge midterm on Thursday. Sheeeeit. :(





* swoon *

I am not a Badass

Dammit, I am going to fail this stupid embryology exam tomorrow.

And my anatomy midterm did not go as well as I thought it would. I thought the written portion of the exam would be a cinch as I missed only 1/30 on the practice written test they gave us. The actual test was not so kind. I know I made a bunch of stupid mistakes. Like misreading the median nerve as the musculocutaneous. Or just completely marking the wrong answer on the scantron. Etc.

No score yet, but I find myself in an interesting predicament. I estimate that, having studied less than the average student I scored better than about 80% of my class. Which for this course puts me in the high high pass territory but not honors. My question now is, should I continue to study hard in the pursuit of knowledge? Or should I fuck pride and dramatically decrease my study time to optimize for the lowest pass grade possible? I already felt like they gave us too much time to study and I'm not sure any amount of studying will eliminate my propensity for brain farts during exams.

On a more positive note, I just found out I passed my first med school course. I am ranked 79 out of 174 in terms of my ability to take ridiculous, irrational, completely subjective tests. Gyeah.

In our first day of biostats class today we learned about mean, median, and mode. And bargraphs vs line plots. I was feeling pretty sharp until we started doing examples and I realized I no longer remember my times tables. I don't remember 7 times 4 being so tricky. 6 times 8 is another one that always gets me. I guess I'm running out of room in my head.

I hate embryo.

Porch Monkeys

There sure are a lot of em out here. And no, I'm not being racist... for one, the term is being taken back (see Clerks II) and secondly, I want to BE a porch monkey. That's what I think everytime I drive by someone sitting on their steps. I actually get jealous. I am just so fucking sick of studying.

The one aspect of porch monkeying I don't understand is the porch itself. Why do people like sitting on their concrete steps? Surely there is a couch somewhere in the house. Or at least bring a cushion outside. And a laptop with wireless internet... or a gameboy or a magazine or something.

It's interesting because I'd never even heard of the term until I watched Clerks II over the summer, but around here there are literally people on every block sitting on their porches. In fact, I think I was able to spot one near my school using Google Earth:



Since I'm on the topic of race, another thing I've realized is that I have a very skewed perception of indian people. I think I tend to assume they are brighter than they actually are. Not that I've met any who are particularly dumb (I haven't since high school), but I do find it mildly amusing when I realize that I am smarter than one. It's always pleasantly surprising. Like outeating a fat guy or outrunning someone who looks cut. I guess I've spent too much time around genius NASA rocket scientist indians and the scary indians at Stanford who'd fuck up the curve in all of the upper level CS classes (crypto).

Anyway, I've finished week 3 of classes and had my first final exam today. How did I do? I honestly have no clue. I wouldn't be surprised if I got honors, but I also wouldn't be surprised if I failed. Seriously. It was the most subjective, ridiculous test I've ever taken. But that class is really just a distraction from anatomy. Which is still my bitch.

So far I've realized that the hardest thing about medical school is not the material. Yeah there's a shitload to cover but it's all pretty manageable... it's really just a matter of putting in the considerable amount of time required. The biggest obstacle is fighting the inner urge to jack off. This is a battle I find myself losing with increased frequency. I find myself doing all kinds of unproductive retarded shit just to put off studying. Like blogging. Or jacking off.

As far as career direction, I seem to have developed a pretty strong dislike for peds. I'm not sure if that's the result of my annoyance with one particular class, but right now I can't see myself doing the peds thing unless I'm cutting them up. Geriatrics on the other hand are really cool! For some reason I thought they'd be depressing to deal with but we got to interview a bunch of geriatrics this week and they are really great to work with and very inspirational. Plus if I set up my own geriatrics clinic I would totally have the alliterative edge. But I also think I'd also rather be cutting them up.

It was also pretty neat the past couple of weeks learning about carpal tunnel anatomy. Especially since I used to have so many pains from sitting in front of they keyboard 24/7.

I need to start making these blog updates shorter but more frequent. Time to get back to the grind... Football game vs. Oregon tomorrow. GOOOOO STANFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!