Above Average
I'm so happy today. My z-score (standard deviations) from my respiratory exam before the break went from -0.06 to 0.04 after they threw out a question. Which means i'm now officially above average- woohoo!
I've been trying to actively curtail the amount of time i spend studying. I realized that my class rank in neuro was a little too damn high and I need to get back to my sweet spot of getting the lowest honors grade with the least amount of studying humanly possible. it's all the same damned oat bag.
On the one hand you'd think i'd be happy with a course rank of 5. But it actually irks me more than anything because i violated my cardinal rule and totally applied myself 100% in that class. Now i know that even when i honestly try i'm still not the best.. even at a mediocre school. goddammit. plus i have to factor in the probable 20 other guys smarter than me that didn't study at all. i miss san jose state :(
the only reason i studied so hard was because they told us honors would be 88%, which makes it a very hard class (~10% get honors). it ended up they changed honors to 85% which makes it a somewhat more fair but not ridiculous course (~20% H). which would have been nice fucking information to know the week before our goddamn final. there's such a huge fucking difference between studying to know >90% of the material to be safe versus 80% material to maintain. That 10% is some trivial ass bullshit. It's the difference between blindly memorizing 90% of 100 arbitrary goddamn drug side effects cold versus being vaguely familiar with each drug name/mechanism. i could have stopped fucking studying and taken a 3 day vacation. assholes.
I miss home. I miss California. I miss my family. I miss... *sigh*
I guess I'm burnt out. I'm so sick of studying. Honestly med school is such a long fucking drag. It's bullshit really. You torture yourself with lectures all morning and then afternoon seminars and then whatever ungodly totalled hours of independent studying, then you take your exam and then 2 days later you've forgotten pretty much everything. Rinse and repeat.
It's pretty fucking sad when you find yourself feeling guilty for ONLY studying 4 hours on a sunday. And for what? A worthless preclinical grade worth jack shit in the long run. The only real enjoyment i get from the whole thing is the 10 seconds out of a phone call to mom where i get to say, "hey guess what i honored blah class". That and maybe a little self-validation for having gotten into med school off of a waiting list and getting tripeat rejections from 200 different schools.
Yea i have decent grades but half the time I don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed. I'd like to think that means i'm smart but deep down i know that all it really means is that i have no life. Should i be proud that i can say i once sat down and brute force memorized 200 arbitrary details and pathways of the hypothalamus, a scary lot of which i couldn't even recognize now? What a fucking loser... that's what any sane person would say.
I've been doing a bit of programming lately and it made me realize how FUN it is to actually do some thinkng and use some creativity, as opposed to brainless memorization. good god i so wanted to punch my anti-arrhythmic drugs prof in the face. i actually enjoy the occasional equations they throw at us because at least they require some cpu power.
People often ask me if medical school is hard? I'm never sure how to answer. It's annoying as fuck, that's my gut answer. But hard? Sure it takes some people 30 hours a week and others 80 hours a week but overall the whole thing is more or less trivial. It's like running a marathon... I'm pretty sure I could do it... but why the hell would you want to?
This whole thing is nothing but a big fucking rat race. With hundreds and thousands of annoying overcompetitive rats. And you've got no choice but to play the game, because you can't very well go into your opthamology residency interview in california and say, "hey, i'm a smart dude, trust me on this. I just didn't feel like memorizing stupid trivia like those other dudes with better scores than me. but you know what, i'm a laid-back chill dude unlike those other guys who are going to be assholes to work with." You have to play the game, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a sell-out. Undergrad gerlad who never studied would be ashamed.
Most of the time when i'm looking at med school applicants i feel like george costanza picking out C students to receive scholarships. I'm like the designated sympathy vote... i have the urge to let in all of the people with shitty-apps like mine who just seem like laid back dudes with potential. I understand the need to "prove" you care... but when half the people really care and the other half just care on paper... what's the goddamn point, really? sure you filter out some lazy asses but probably also a lot of people who might be great doctors but didn't want to go through the bullshit. we might be better served just letting in all cute girls. which i might add should be a fucking law for nursing schools.
I honestly respect and admire the chill dudes in my class with families or those who go to school to drink and study to barely pass much more than i do 80% of the people in the upper quartile... including myself during neuro. Sure a couple of them will match family medicine in wyoming but at least they'll have their dignity.
Anyway, i'm glad i got that out of my system. what the fuck am i even talking about anyway? i'm not sure. i just like to bitch because well... i'm a little bitch. it's really not so bad... compared to starving kids in africa. why didn't i go to law school???
i guess i should get to bed so that i'm not 2 hours late to my 9:00 class again. Gotta stop playing damned scrabulous until 4am.
...
actually i was 2 hours and 15 minutes late because some pig^H^H^Hpolice officer pulled me over for speeding! but he let me go!!! yay for good karma! I was just about to bust out with my "please officer, don't make me take out another loan" line but I think he just got impatient when I couldn't find my insurance.
I've been trying to actively curtail the amount of time i spend studying. I realized that my class rank in neuro was a little too damn high and I need to get back to my sweet spot of getting the lowest honors grade with the least amount of studying humanly possible. it's all the same damned oat bag.
On the one hand you'd think i'd be happy with a course rank of 5. But it actually irks me more than anything because i violated my cardinal rule and totally applied myself 100% in that class. Now i know that even when i honestly try i'm still not the best.. even at a mediocre school. goddammit. plus i have to factor in the probable 20 other guys smarter than me that didn't study at all. i miss san jose state :(
the only reason i studied so hard was because they told us honors would be 88%, which makes it a very hard class (~10% get honors). it ended up they changed honors to 85% which makes it a somewhat more fair but not ridiculous course (~20% H). which would have been nice fucking information to know the week before our goddamn final. there's such a huge fucking difference between studying to know >90% of the material to be safe versus 80% material to maintain. That 10% is some trivial ass bullshit. It's the difference between blindly memorizing 90% of 100 arbitrary goddamn drug side effects cold versus being vaguely familiar with each drug name/mechanism. i could have stopped fucking studying and taken a 3 day vacation. assholes.
I miss home. I miss California. I miss my family. I miss... *sigh*
I guess I'm burnt out. I'm so sick of studying. Honestly med school is such a long fucking drag. It's bullshit really. You torture yourself with lectures all morning and then afternoon seminars and then whatever ungodly totalled hours of independent studying, then you take your exam and then 2 days later you've forgotten pretty much everything. Rinse and repeat.
It's pretty fucking sad when you find yourself feeling guilty for ONLY studying 4 hours on a sunday. And for what? A worthless preclinical grade worth jack shit in the long run. The only real enjoyment i get from the whole thing is the 10 seconds out of a phone call to mom where i get to say, "hey guess what i honored blah class". That and maybe a little self-validation for having gotten into med school off of a waiting list and getting tripeat rejections from 200 different schools.
Yea i have decent grades but half the time I don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed. I'd like to think that means i'm smart but deep down i know that all it really means is that i have no life. Should i be proud that i can say i once sat down and brute force memorized 200 arbitrary details and pathways of the hypothalamus, a scary lot of which i couldn't even recognize now? What a fucking loser... that's what any sane person would say.
I've been doing a bit of programming lately and it made me realize how FUN it is to actually do some thinkng and use some creativity, as opposed to brainless memorization. good god i so wanted to punch my anti-arrhythmic drugs prof in the face. i actually enjoy the occasional equations they throw at us because at least they require some cpu power.
People often ask me if medical school is hard? I'm never sure how to answer. It's annoying as fuck, that's my gut answer. But hard? Sure it takes some people 30 hours a week and others 80 hours a week but overall the whole thing is more or less trivial. It's like running a marathon... I'm pretty sure I could do it... but why the hell would you want to?
This whole thing is nothing but a big fucking rat race. With hundreds and thousands of annoying overcompetitive rats. And you've got no choice but to play the game, because you can't very well go into your opthamology residency interview in california and say, "hey, i'm a smart dude, trust me on this. I just didn't feel like memorizing stupid trivia like those other dudes with better scores than me. but you know what, i'm a laid-back chill dude unlike those other guys who are going to be assholes to work with." You have to play the game, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a sell-out. Undergrad gerlad who never studied would be ashamed.
Most of the time when i'm looking at med school applicants i feel like george costanza picking out C students to receive scholarships. I'm like the designated sympathy vote... i have the urge to let in all of the people with shitty-apps like mine who just seem like laid back dudes with potential. I understand the need to "prove" you care... but when half the people really care and the other half just care on paper... what's the goddamn point, really? sure you filter out some lazy asses but probably also a lot of people who might be great doctors but didn't want to go through the bullshit. we might be better served just letting in all cute girls. which i might add should be a fucking law for nursing schools.
I honestly respect and admire the chill dudes in my class with families or those who go to school to drink and study to barely pass much more than i do 80% of the people in the upper quartile... including myself during neuro. Sure a couple of them will match family medicine in wyoming but at least they'll have their dignity.
Anyway, i'm glad i got that out of my system. what the fuck am i even talking about anyway? i'm not sure. i just like to bitch because well... i'm a little bitch. it's really not so bad... compared to starving kids in africa. why didn't i go to law school???
i guess i should get to bed so that i'm not 2 hours late to my 9:00 class again. Gotta stop playing damned scrabulous until 4am.
...
actually i was 2 hours and 15 minutes late because some pig^H^H^Hpolice officer pulled me over for speeding! but he let me go!!! yay for good karma! I was just about to bust out with my "please officer, don't make me take out another loan" line but I think he just got impatient when I couldn't find my insurance.
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