A Rant
I wouldn't recommend reading what I'm about to write. This is mostly for my own edification and I'm probably just going to end up bitching again, as usual, like a little girl...
...
I think I'm starting to realize that I just don't have IT. Whatever IT is that separates the superstars like Hubert and the successful from the joe schmoes. That which separates the wheat from the chaff, whatever the hell chaff is... the edisons from the bums. etc.
Actually I think I always knew that. That's kind of why I'm stuck in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. But I think what I'm realizing lately to my dismay is that I may never have IT.
I guess people just don't change or grow over the years as much as they hope and pretend to. Or maybe it's just me. I'm the same idiot I was 9 years ago starting college. I'm the guy eating cereal out of a bowl with a jumbo stirring ladle last night because I was too lazy to do a few dishes. My mom thinks I'm soo smart... but so much of the time I feel like such a degenerate. It's really been getting me down.
I keep trying to figure out how it is I can fix myself. To turn myself into one of those successful fuckers who match into derm or what have you. But try as I might I just can't do it. I don't know how many resolutions I've made. How many days I've pulled into the school parking lot and said this is it... I'm going to be productive from here on out. But I always always fail.
I felt like I had a plan going into this year but I'm too big of a douche to execute any of it. The software project I was supposed to write for that residency program I got through probably 80% of it and now it's just in limbo and months late. Maybe I'll get around to it, probably I won't. Definitely they think I'm a jackoff. The other BIG project I spent countless summer and extra hours working on which I guess I can't fault myself too much for because it was probably never gonna amount to anything anyway and was way too much work and too dependent on other people who were way too busy. But I couldn't even get my lazy ass to even begin to do any groundwork to look into writing a grant proposal or getting help. And the fucking research work I did over the summer and keep meaning to set aside time for... which I promised my PI 4 weeks ago I would start and finish working on ASAP (and whose impending email I await with great fear)... I haven't done squat.
In summary, I haven't ACCOMPLISHED jack shit. Which isn't too bad I guess... I mean what the hell those are just extracurriculars, that's sort of excusable. But what I can't figure out is why the hell when it comes to just regular old schoolwork I am always so unncessarily behind all of the time. And it really pisses me off.
What is it (besides my jackass friend) that keeps me playing 4 hours, 3 hours, 3 hours of ping pong on consecutive days when I am so far behind after being sick. The fuck am I doing downloading anime and watching so many episodes of Lost and House and 4 fucking movies when I need to be catching up on the weekend.
I mean fine, I guess I should have playtime, free time, going out hanging out time and whatever. But it's always stressed out "I shouldn't be doing this" fuckaround time and never "I've been a good boy so I'm treating myself" happy time.
Even when I do sit down to study I'm such a fucking retard. The last time I was at borders (which got closed down!!!) and I ended up spending 5 hours reading up and taking notes on magic tricks (I actually have some pretty good ones now though). I finally got my ass to school at 2pm yesterday and sat there in the silent study room for 9 hours... and got through just 9 fucking pages! Not even one friggin lecture's worth of material. Because when I'm not distracted talking to people I don't even have the goddamn discipline to keep from clicking away from the powerpoint lecture (DAMN YOU PROFESSORS WITH SHITTY SYLLABUSES THAT MAKE ME NEED POWERPOINTS) and doing stupid shit on the internet. I don't even know what. Making stupid valentines day cards of people's heads dancing around. Checking celebrity gossip... iPhone news... nba news and dunk videos... having to read EVERY SINGLE stupid football and hoops thread on the stupid sports forum. Or my brother and his damn addicting video chatrooms.
fucking facebook I swear to god. I mean today I found myself on Robin Lopez's (stanford basketball) then Law hill's then Landry Field's facebook pages looking at stupid pictures of them at parties they posted up... until I finally said enough and quit, because my friend IM'd me a streaming site for nba games so i could watch some josh childress playing against the lakers.
I don't even know why I'm typing this out. I don't even get enough sleep because I procrastinate on sleep! Putting stupid movies or whatever on my computer to put myself to sleep but end up watching for the nth time. And then I miss class or I'm sleepy all day. And that fucks up my ping pong reflexes. I even had the opportunity to get laid recently and I'm such a fucking chickenshit dumbass I procrastinated on that too.
I guess I just feel the need to publicly scold myself. Because I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD... THIS IS IT. Tomorrow I am a new fucking person. I am exorcising my inner george costanza. I am going to do everything on time. I WILL study every day on time. I WILL start working out again regularly because that stupid virus i got catabolized what little extra muscle mass I had. I WILL make it back to the rockclimbing gym with regularity. I WILL NOT play ping pong for more than an hour at a time. I WILL stop being 3 minutes late to class every morning and I WILL finally learn to floss with regularity.
I WILL catch the fuck up on this week's material, and then on all of the material from when I was sick. I WILL read Robbins! Then I WILL get my stupid research done (I mean I swear that paper authorship is practically right there waiting for me gift wrapped) because I am running out of goddamn time before boards.
And then so help me God I am going to get medieval on this fucking step 1 board exam and avenge my piece of shit MCAT score. I mean yeah I'm not smart enough to get a 40 like some jerks I know but dammit I'm not nearly as dumb as I showed (I didn't sleep the night before!!!).
I am going to get my ass back to California and I will show Stanford that didn't even want a secondary and UCSF and UCLA that didn't even fucking interview me and UCSD who tricked me into blabbing mostly about stanford sports and poker (and not medicine) during my interview and USC who bitch slapped me and laughed in my face because I didn't know shit about current events in medicine and especially Davis that plain fucked me in my interview and kept me perpetually at the cusp of their waiting list.
I will show all of those jerk schools that yeah they did in fact make the smart decision by rejecting me because honestly I didn't know shit about medicine, had jack volunteer activities and apparently didn't read "med school- applying and interviews for dummies"... BUT... BUT... I DID have some potential goddammit. And if they were psychic they might have friggin known better. I will show them... i swear it.
Starting tomorrow! February 20th, 2008. This is my new February 20th resolution. Mark my words.
...
phew...
man I was pretty angry when I started this post and now I'm actually feeling pretty pumped!!! this is so going to work... I'm going to go jim harbaugh on this bitch with enthusiasm unknown to mankind (EUTM)
!!!
...
Song of the Day - (Juno Soundtrack) Antsy Pants - Tree Hugger.mp3
...
I think I'm starting to realize that I just don't have IT. Whatever IT is that separates the superstars like Hubert and the successful from the joe schmoes. That which separates the wheat from the chaff, whatever the hell chaff is... the edisons from the bums. etc.
Actually I think I always knew that. That's kind of why I'm stuck in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. But I think what I'm realizing lately to my dismay is that I may never have IT.
I guess people just don't change or grow over the years as much as they hope and pretend to. Or maybe it's just me. I'm the same idiot I was 9 years ago starting college. I'm the guy eating cereal out of a bowl with a jumbo stirring ladle last night because I was too lazy to do a few dishes. My mom thinks I'm soo smart... but so much of the time I feel like such a degenerate. It's really been getting me down.
I keep trying to figure out how it is I can fix myself. To turn myself into one of those successful fuckers who match into derm or what have you. But try as I might I just can't do it. I don't know how many resolutions I've made. How many days I've pulled into the school parking lot and said this is it... I'm going to be productive from here on out. But I always always fail.
I felt like I had a plan going into this year but I'm too big of a douche to execute any of it. The software project I was supposed to write for that residency program I got through probably 80% of it and now it's just in limbo and months late. Maybe I'll get around to it, probably I won't. Definitely they think I'm a jackoff. The other BIG project I spent countless summer and extra hours working on which I guess I can't fault myself too much for because it was probably never gonna amount to anything anyway and was way too much work and too dependent on other people who were way too busy. But I couldn't even get my lazy ass to even begin to do any groundwork to look into writing a grant proposal or getting help. And the fucking research work I did over the summer and keep meaning to set aside time for... which I promised my PI 4 weeks ago I would start and finish working on ASAP (and whose impending email I await with great fear)... I haven't done squat.
In summary, I haven't ACCOMPLISHED jack shit. Which isn't too bad I guess... I mean what the hell those are just extracurriculars, that's sort of excusable. But what I can't figure out is why the hell when it comes to just regular old schoolwork I am always so unncessarily behind all of the time. And it really pisses me off.
What is it (besides my jackass friend) that keeps me playing 4 hours, 3 hours, 3 hours of ping pong on consecutive days when I am so far behind after being sick. The fuck am I doing downloading anime and watching so many episodes of Lost and House and 4 fucking movies when I need to be catching up on the weekend.
I mean fine, I guess I should have playtime, free time, going out hanging out time and whatever. But it's always stressed out "I shouldn't be doing this" fuckaround time and never "I've been a good boy so I'm treating myself" happy time.
Even when I do sit down to study I'm such a fucking retard. The last time I was at borders (which got closed down!!!) and I ended up spending 5 hours reading up and taking notes on magic tricks (I actually have some pretty good ones now though). I finally got my ass to school at 2pm yesterday and sat there in the silent study room for 9 hours... and got through just 9 fucking pages! Not even one friggin lecture's worth of material. Because when I'm not distracted talking to people I don't even have the goddamn discipline to keep from clicking away from the powerpoint lecture (DAMN YOU PROFESSORS WITH SHITTY SYLLABUSES THAT MAKE ME NEED POWERPOINTS) and doing stupid shit on the internet. I don't even know what. Making stupid valentines day cards of people's heads dancing around. Checking celebrity gossip... iPhone news... nba news and dunk videos... having to read EVERY SINGLE stupid football and hoops thread on the stupid sports forum. Or my brother and his damn addicting video chatrooms.
fucking facebook I swear to god. I mean today I found myself on Robin Lopez's (stanford basketball) then Law hill's then Landry Field's facebook pages looking at stupid pictures of them at parties they posted up... until I finally said enough and quit, because my friend IM'd me a streaming site for nba games so i could watch some josh childress playing against the lakers.
I don't even know why I'm typing this out. I don't even get enough sleep because I procrastinate on sleep! Putting stupid movies or whatever on my computer to put myself to sleep but end up watching for the nth time. And then I miss class or I'm sleepy all day. And that fucks up my ping pong reflexes. I even had the opportunity to get laid recently and I'm such a fucking chickenshit dumbass I procrastinated on that too.
I guess I just feel the need to publicly scold myself. Because I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD... THIS IS IT. Tomorrow I am a new fucking person. I am exorcising my inner george costanza. I am going to do everything on time. I WILL study every day on time. I WILL start working out again regularly because that stupid virus i got catabolized what little extra muscle mass I had. I WILL make it back to the rockclimbing gym with regularity. I WILL NOT play ping pong for more than an hour at a time. I WILL stop being 3 minutes late to class every morning and I WILL finally learn to floss with regularity.
I WILL catch the fuck up on this week's material, and then on all of the material from when I was sick. I WILL read Robbins! Then I WILL get my stupid research done (I mean I swear that paper authorship is practically right there waiting for me gift wrapped) because I am running out of goddamn time before boards.
And then so help me God I am going to get medieval on this fucking step 1 board exam and avenge my piece of shit MCAT score. I mean yeah I'm not smart enough to get a 40 like some jerks I know but dammit I'm not nearly as dumb as I showed (I didn't sleep the night before!!!).
I am going to get my ass back to California and I will show Stanford that didn't even want a secondary and UCSF and UCLA that didn't even fucking interview me and UCSD who tricked me into blabbing mostly about stanford sports and poker (and not medicine) during my interview and USC who bitch slapped me and laughed in my face because I didn't know shit about current events in medicine and especially Davis that plain fucked me in my interview and kept me perpetually at the cusp of their waiting list.
I will show all of those jerk schools that yeah they did in fact make the smart decision by rejecting me because honestly I didn't know shit about medicine, had jack volunteer activities and apparently didn't read "med school- applying and interviews for dummies"... BUT... BUT... I DID have some potential goddammit. And if they were psychic they might have friggin known better. I will show them... i swear it.
Starting tomorrow! February 20th, 2008. This is my new February 20th resolution. Mark my words.
...
phew...
man I was pretty angry when I started this post and now I'm actually feeling pretty pumped!!! this is so going to work... I'm going to go jim harbaugh on this bitch with enthusiasm unknown to mankind (EUTM)
!!!
...
Song of the Day - (Juno Soundtrack) Antsy Pants - Tree Hugger.mp3
posted by Gerlad at
12:18 AM
5 Comments:
So did you read about the new recruit on the bootleg forums yet?
we're gonna change the way we run. we're gonna change the way we study. we're gonna change the way we work out.
you can do it gerry, just don't watch our movie too many times
you will kill step 1 and then rock 3rd year, esp since i gave you all those good pointers about flirting with the professors and wearing low cut shirts! :)
the low cut shirt works like a charm! I can't decide if I should leave a supportive comment or a sarcastic one
Just got back from watching J-Chil vs. the Warriors, and he's freakin' good! Plays the freakin' point! I miss him.
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