Long Ass Update
Whoa. I just vacuumed my apartment for the first time in... don't ask.
...
Step1 was... an experience. I ate a hugeass burrito the night before and I think it delayed the absorption of my zolpidem because I couldn't fall asleep for a good 5 hours. Even after upping my dose to a full pill from my usual half pill. I guess I should have read the captialized bolded "TAKE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH" part of the instructions more carefully.
Anyway it was a horrible, horrible 5 hours. Between my anger and the paranoia of having my sleeping pills kick in during the middle of the test I was wide awake and freaking out. I tried sleep relaxation techniques I read about online, I called my mom and had her tell me stories for an hour, I tried reverse reverse psychology, I tried... um yeah. I tried everything. I would get to about 90% asleep and then I would think "hey i'm almost asleep" and wake right up again.
How did it go, I honestly have no freaking clue. My goal prior to the exam was to stay within $100 bucks (silly $5/point bet we made last year) of my friend whom I can all but guarantee will get a 260+ score. 240 = happy, 245 ecstatic, 250 worth selling my soul for. 500 hours and 2 nbmes and 2000 questions later I even got delusional and started dreaming of beating my friend, because of the psychopaths on sdn projecting usmleworld scores.
The test itself... one of the most godawful experiences of my life. No excuses on the sleep, I got a solid 4 hours of sleep in under the influence, 4 hours more than I had for the mcat. I brought a whole bunch of caffeine with me too but I was so amped up I think an extra caffeine boost might have killed me. I felt like I had malignant hypertension throughout the whole 8 hours. I thought I was gonna leave the test center with a buffalo hump from all of the stress.
I literally spent 15 minutes on the 4 minute tutorial (usually you try to finish fast to save your break time) because I was too afraid to click on the "Done" button to start the test. The first 10 minutes of the exam were the absolute worst. I kept thinking "omg, this counts, omg omg omg this counts, focus gerlad focus, omg i can't focus omg if i get this wrong my score it counts, focus dammit focus" over and over again. I had to reread the first 8 or so questions about 10 or so times before I finally calmed down.
The rest was a blur. Eight hours is way way way too fucking long for an exam of that magnitude. But whatever I've done it so every poor bastard that comes after me should suffer it too hehehe.
It was not fun. I think I would have done a lot better if I was more relaxed and wasn't second guessing myself so much. I felt so off of my game because of the pressure. The hard questions I felt panicked on and even the easy questions I had to double-think and reread because I would think "are they really asking such a simple question?" (the qbanks rarely ask gimmes so it was a changeup) As a result I was constantly time-rushed to finish and didn't get a full relook on all of my marked questions which is usually my bread and butter for getting separation. I've found that usually when I'm not sure my gut is more often right the second time around.
It wouldn't have been so bad if during hour 5 the bitch to my right hadn't literally begun coughing up her lungs. It started as a regular cough and then I think she aspirated something and started to choke. It was SO FREAKING LOUD I couldn't hear myself think and I started getting so pissed off. Read 5 words, anticipate loud ass cough... read 8 more words, anticipate cough. FINALLY she walks out of the test center but by that time the vicious cycle of my pscyhoticness had grown exponentially and I had to give myself a timeout and the end of the block to walk around the building and calm myself down. I know I wasn't the only one pissed off because I could hear other people getting annoyed and sighing really loudly. I felt sorry for the girl but I also kind of wanted her to choke to death so that I could get some peace and quiet.
I even complained to the test moderators after my walk but the desk chick just gave me attitude and said "unfortunately we can't make her stop coughing". Yeah, I freaking know that. I didn't expect them to do anything I was just hoping for a sympathy "I'm sorry." My freaking life is on the line and some chick taking some meaningless mail-in finger-painting certification exam is coughing into my right ear!!!
...
aight i had to step away from the keyboard because i started reliving the moment.
Anyway, i really thought i would leave the test center feeling some semblance of happiness. I felt annoyed more than anything. I mean, after 6 fucking weeks of straight studying... and that was it? Just some dinky little printout with a stamp on it. I wanted like a hi-five or something. It just felt so frustrating. All of that work... and you leave feeling like they tested you on everything that you didn't study. It felt like a wasted 6 weeks. I wish I had gone to Hawaii.
I keep telling myself everyone feels that way, including the hardcore gunners on sdn but it doesn't seem to help. Then I looked up a bunch of hard questions I remembered, realized I got most of them wrong and that REALLY didn't help. Especially the antimalarial side effect question which is not in ANY standard resource and I TOLD MYSELF to play it safe and go with the 'quine' drug which I knew 90% of people would pick based on the name but I decided to go for the glory on a bad false memory and got it wrong.
...
So in summary, how did it go? My best answer- it's fucking over. My new expectations are just to prepare to be disappointed on the 16th. I think it's a defense mechanism to reverse psychologize myself into keeping an ounce of optimism. dammit I just don't want to be in the midwest no mo.
The aftermath was pretty anticlimatic. People kept telling me to go get wasted or whatever afterwards but there wasn't anyone to celebrate with. Everyone was either done and out of town or still studying. Which was probably good because I didn't much feel like celebrating.
So instead I did something really really gay. My friend had some friends in town for some conference so we went and got sushi at a "really good" restaurant (in the midwest that means shitty and overpriced). Then being the only male in the group i was "dragged" along to see Sex in the City the Movie. First I made them swear not to tell anyone this was how I celebrated being boards-done or that I happen to know all of the character names. I thought it was pretty hilarious actually, a lot better than I thought it would be. But then again, my brain was pretty fried. And at least it was free.
I'm really surprised more guys weren't jumping to see this movie when it first came out. The girl-guy ratio was ridiculous. And what is better than 200 wannabe samanthas leaving a theater with sluttiness = feminism thoughts in their head.
...
...
I had a mini 10 year high school reunion last thursday. Goddamn I'm old. I didn't really want to see anyone (never kept in touch with hs friends) but they asked me and rearranged it around my vacation (real thing is august 2nd, which I can't make) so i guess i had to go.
I was so much smarter than everyone at my craptastic high school, I guess I just expected to have something more to show after 10 years. Coming out of high school I really thought I would discover something big or start a company, or have millions of dollars or otherwise have made a mark in the world. Instead it was like "hey, what's up, yeah i'm still in school and 100k in debt." Damn you stanford for humbling me.
It was actually pretty fun though and a real trip seeing people after so long.
...
...
So anyway tomorrow begins my first day as an MSIII.
To be perfectly honest, I am scurred out of my FREAKIN MIND. For all of my bitching I never appreciated how awesome preclinical years were. Didn't have to go to class if I didn't want to. Didn't have to stand on my feet all of the time. I could stay up as late as I wanted to. No pagers. I could be late all of the time. Now I have to always be early and pretend to be happy all of the time. And according to ruth, i need to show cleavage.
Objectively the first two years sucked cock but dammit, after two years, that's what I'm good at. I always joke about it but deep down inside I have this real fear that I will actually turn out to be one of "those" people who are only good at answering multiple choice questions. For one thing I'm really shitty at remembering names and all of my preceptorship patients started to blend together after a week. Not good signs.
Another part of me is excited about what lies ahead. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not a very good person anymore. I've always sort of assumed I was a good person but then I sat down one day and tried to come up with reasons why. I couldn't come up with much.
I've been at this stage in my life where I'm pretty much just dead weight. I can't help out my family anymore. I don't contribute to society. I do nothing. The only quantifiable good I do is the occasional buck to the homeless dude on the freeway exit. I guess I'm just a sucker for guys with 1 arm, I want to help them acquire booze.
Other than that, what? I always try to help people out at school and I like teaching people stuff. But those are just selfish ways of getting people to like me and me wanting to feel smart... I always say bless you. I'm polite and I hold the door open for people. But I also get pissed off when people don't say thank you in return. I courtesy jog crossing the street in front of cars. I wave after I cut people off. I smile at people in hallways. I feel bad when bad things happen to good people and vice versa. I feel guilty for being lazy. And that's it. That's all I can come up with.
On the other hand I swear a lot, I constantly talk shit about people I dislike, i want to kick certain persons in the face and there's almost nothing too tasteless for me to joke about. Doing the tally makes me realize I've never really been a very good person. I'm just another dude who isn't outright evil. But at least when I made money or had someone to take care of, at least I felt productve. Now I just sit around studying, procrastinating and accumulating debt.
I guess I'm holding out hope that I'm going to discover some sort of passion for helping people or something, but I'm so damn cynical these days I'm not sure I see it happening. The last few weeks I've been very seriously considering just selling out completely and doing radiology and it really really bothers me.
I got into this stupid field because someone once convinced me that I was patient, that I had a good heart, and that I would be a great doctor someday. And I was sure that I wanted to help people when I got into this. But these days half the time I feel like it's just not worth the trouble.
I've been trying to decide how hard I want to try this upcoming year. I've turned into such a gunner over the course of the last year. I feel like I was more laid back first year, even if my grades weren't as pristine. What's the point... what does it all add up to. So I get into a competitive residency and then what? When does it end... I'm just so tired of having to compete.
...
damn this was a long ass blog entry. I think I was inspired after watching some 21 episodes of "How I met your Mother" today, which my brother got me hooked on. OG blogger Doogie Howser (Barney) might just be the most hilarious sitcom character ever invented (even better than the seinfeld characters as individuals). I highly recommend it.
...
Step1 was... an experience. I ate a hugeass burrito the night before and I think it delayed the absorption of my zolpidem because I couldn't fall asleep for a good 5 hours. Even after upping my dose to a full pill from my usual half pill. I guess I should have read the captialized bolded "TAKE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH" part of the instructions more carefully.
Anyway it was a horrible, horrible 5 hours. Between my anger and the paranoia of having my sleeping pills kick in during the middle of the test I was wide awake and freaking out. I tried sleep relaxation techniques I read about online, I called my mom and had her tell me stories for an hour, I tried reverse reverse psychology, I tried... um yeah. I tried everything. I would get to about 90% asleep and then I would think "hey i'm almost asleep" and wake right up again.
How did it go, I honestly have no freaking clue. My goal prior to the exam was to stay within $100 bucks (silly $5/point bet we made last year) of my friend whom I can all but guarantee will get a 260+ score. 240 = happy, 245 ecstatic, 250 worth selling my soul for. 500 hours and 2 nbmes and 2000 questions later I even got delusional and started dreaming of beating my friend, because of the psychopaths on sdn projecting usmleworld scores.
The test itself... one of the most godawful experiences of my life. No excuses on the sleep, I got a solid 4 hours of sleep in under the influence, 4 hours more than I had for the mcat. I brought a whole bunch of caffeine with me too but I was so amped up I think an extra caffeine boost might have killed me. I felt like I had malignant hypertension throughout the whole 8 hours. I thought I was gonna leave the test center with a buffalo hump from all of the stress.
I literally spent 15 minutes on the 4 minute tutorial (usually you try to finish fast to save your break time) because I was too afraid to click on the "Done" button to start the test. The first 10 minutes of the exam were the absolute worst. I kept thinking "omg, this counts, omg omg omg this counts, focus gerlad focus, omg i can't focus omg if i get this wrong my score it counts, focus dammit focus" over and over again. I had to reread the first 8 or so questions about 10 or so times before I finally calmed down.
The rest was a blur. Eight hours is way way way too fucking long for an exam of that magnitude. But whatever I've done it so every poor bastard that comes after me should suffer it too hehehe.
It was not fun. I think I would have done a lot better if I was more relaxed and wasn't second guessing myself so much. I felt so off of my game because of the pressure. The hard questions I felt panicked on and even the easy questions I had to double-think and reread because I would think "are they really asking such a simple question?" (the qbanks rarely ask gimmes so it was a changeup) As a result I was constantly time-rushed to finish and didn't get a full relook on all of my marked questions which is usually my bread and butter for getting separation. I've found that usually when I'm not sure my gut is more often right the second time around.
It wouldn't have been so bad if during hour 5 the bitch to my right hadn't literally begun coughing up her lungs. It started as a regular cough and then I think she aspirated something and started to choke. It was SO FREAKING LOUD I couldn't hear myself think and I started getting so pissed off. Read 5 words, anticipate loud ass cough... read 8 more words, anticipate cough. FINALLY she walks out of the test center but by that time the vicious cycle of my pscyhoticness had grown exponentially and I had to give myself a timeout and the end of the block to walk around the building and calm myself down. I know I wasn't the only one pissed off because I could hear other people getting annoyed and sighing really loudly. I felt sorry for the girl but I also kind of wanted her to choke to death so that I could get some peace and quiet.
I even complained to the test moderators after my walk but the desk chick just gave me attitude and said "unfortunately we can't make her stop coughing". Yeah, I freaking know that. I didn't expect them to do anything I was just hoping for a sympathy "I'm sorry." My freaking life is on the line and some chick taking some meaningless mail-in finger-painting certification exam is coughing into my right ear!!!
...
aight i had to step away from the keyboard because i started reliving the moment.
Anyway, i really thought i would leave the test center feeling some semblance of happiness. I felt annoyed more than anything. I mean, after 6 fucking weeks of straight studying... and that was it? Just some dinky little printout with a stamp on it. I wanted like a hi-five or something. It just felt so frustrating. All of that work... and you leave feeling like they tested you on everything that you didn't study. It felt like a wasted 6 weeks. I wish I had gone to Hawaii.
I keep telling myself everyone feels that way, including the hardcore gunners on sdn but it doesn't seem to help. Then I looked up a bunch of hard questions I remembered, realized I got most of them wrong and that REALLY didn't help. Especially the antimalarial side effect question which is not in ANY standard resource and I TOLD MYSELF to play it safe and go with the 'quine' drug which I knew 90% of people would pick based on the name but I decided to go for the glory on a bad false memory and got it wrong.
...
So in summary, how did it go? My best answer- it's fucking over. My new expectations are just to prepare to be disappointed on the 16th. I think it's a defense mechanism to reverse psychologize myself into keeping an ounce of optimism. dammit I just don't want to be in the midwest no mo.
The aftermath was pretty anticlimatic. People kept telling me to go get wasted or whatever afterwards but there wasn't anyone to celebrate with. Everyone was either done and out of town or still studying. Which was probably good because I didn't much feel like celebrating.
So instead I did something really really gay. My friend had some friends in town for some conference so we went and got sushi at a "really good" restaurant (in the midwest that means shitty and overpriced). Then being the only male in the group i was "dragged" along to see Sex in the City the Movie. First I made them swear not to tell anyone this was how I celebrated being boards-done or that I happen to know all of the character names. I thought it was pretty hilarious actually, a lot better than I thought it would be. But then again, my brain was pretty fried. And at least it was free.
I'm really surprised more guys weren't jumping to see this movie when it first came out. The girl-guy ratio was ridiculous. And what is better than 200 wannabe samanthas leaving a theater with sluttiness = feminism thoughts in their head.
...
...
I had a mini 10 year high school reunion last thursday. Goddamn I'm old. I didn't really want to see anyone (never kept in touch with hs friends) but they asked me and rearranged it around my vacation (real thing is august 2nd, which I can't make) so i guess i had to go.
I was so much smarter than everyone at my craptastic high school, I guess I just expected to have something more to show after 10 years. Coming out of high school I really thought I would discover something big or start a company, or have millions of dollars or otherwise have made a mark in the world. Instead it was like "hey, what's up, yeah i'm still in school and 100k in debt." Damn you stanford for humbling me.
It was actually pretty fun though and a real trip seeing people after so long.
...
...
So anyway tomorrow begins my first day as an MSIII.
To be perfectly honest, I am scurred out of my FREAKIN MIND. For all of my bitching I never appreciated how awesome preclinical years were. Didn't have to go to class if I didn't want to. Didn't have to stand on my feet all of the time. I could stay up as late as I wanted to. No pagers. I could be late all of the time. Now I have to always be early and pretend to be happy all of the time. And according to ruth, i need to show cleavage.
Objectively the first two years sucked cock but dammit, after two years, that's what I'm good at. I always joke about it but deep down inside I have this real fear that I will actually turn out to be one of "those" people who are only good at answering multiple choice questions. For one thing I'm really shitty at remembering names and all of my preceptorship patients started to blend together after a week. Not good signs.
Another part of me is excited about what lies ahead. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not a very good person anymore. I've always sort of assumed I was a good person but then I sat down one day and tried to come up with reasons why. I couldn't come up with much.
I've been at this stage in my life where I'm pretty much just dead weight. I can't help out my family anymore. I don't contribute to society. I do nothing. The only quantifiable good I do is the occasional buck to the homeless dude on the freeway exit. I guess I'm just a sucker for guys with 1 arm, I want to help them acquire booze.
Other than that, what? I always try to help people out at school and I like teaching people stuff. But those are just selfish ways of getting people to like me and me wanting to feel smart... I always say bless you. I'm polite and I hold the door open for people. But I also get pissed off when people don't say thank you in return. I courtesy jog crossing the street in front of cars. I wave after I cut people off. I smile at people in hallways. I feel bad when bad things happen to good people and vice versa. I feel guilty for being lazy. And that's it. That's all I can come up with.
On the other hand I swear a lot, I constantly talk shit about people I dislike, i want to kick certain persons in the face and there's almost nothing too tasteless for me to joke about. Doing the tally makes me realize I've never really been a very good person. I'm just another dude who isn't outright evil. But at least when I made money or had someone to take care of, at least I felt productve. Now I just sit around studying, procrastinating and accumulating debt.
I guess I'm holding out hope that I'm going to discover some sort of passion for helping people or something, but I'm so damn cynical these days I'm not sure I see it happening. The last few weeks I've been very seriously considering just selling out completely and doing radiology and it really really bothers me.
I got into this stupid field because someone once convinced me that I was patient, that I had a good heart, and that I would be a great doctor someday. And I was sure that I wanted to help people when I got into this. But these days half the time I feel like it's just not worth the trouble.
I've been trying to decide how hard I want to try this upcoming year. I've turned into such a gunner over the course of the last year. I feel like I was more laid back first year, even if my grades weren't as pristine. What's the point... what does it all add up to. So I get into a competitive residency and then what? When does it end... I'm just so tired of having to compete.
...
damn this was a long ass blog entry. I think I was inspired after watching some 21 episodes of "How I met your Mother" today, which my brother got me hooked on. OG blogger Doogie Howser (Barney) might just be the most hilarious sitcom character ever invented (even better than the seinfeld characters as individuals). I highly recommend it.
posted by Gerlad at
1:01 AM
5 Comments:
The only distraction I had during the LSAT was the girl in front of me flashing her whale tail.
I would tell you to not sell out, but that would be hypocritical. I can at least tell you to not be a gunner. I hate those assholes.
Congrats on your long ass update, and Boards. Dammit, I knew Ravi and I should have watched Sex and the City instead of Indy.
Nothing wrong with Radiology, man, especially when you have to work so hard just to become a doctor. Plus, remember the time you took down Joe Chill and Raz Al Ghul? You deserve the good money and the cushy job.
Oh yeah, surprisingly :p, I second Gerlad's recommendation of "How I Met Your Mother".
G, go watch Arrested Development on hulu.com and let me know what you think. It will definitively prove whether that comedy is good or not.
i got to my mcat testing center fairly early so i might've been one of those bastards that was banging away on my keyboard when i moved onto the writing section while the suckers that arrived after me were trying to read their verbal passages in peace. suckers.
ruth borrowed season 2 and 3 of sex and the city from a classmate. we're already done with 2 and halfway through 3. i'm just watching to accompany her, of course.
Woohoo! I love HIMYM!
Yeah, step 1 is the crappiest experience I ever had to go through. 3rd year's awesome! I second Ruth's show cleavage... and always look happy to do scut work... even if it may be a rectal exam.
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