tired

medicine is so tiring. i rounded for 5 hours today post call. so many new patients. I kept having this raging internal debate in my head as we went over patient after patient- am i more sleepy, or more hungry?

especially tiring when you're running around like a headless chicken and you feel like you're getting in the way more than you contribute. it's exhausting being so stupid and incompetent.

i guess i just have to take it on faith that eventually... i'll get there. but i feel so stupid compared to our subi's. who seem so stupid compared to our interns. who seem so stupid compared to our residents. who seem like total dumbshits compared to our attendings. maybe i've just had two extra fabulous attendings.

all of that knowledge to accumulate... sometimes you just think, fuck it, what's the point. it's like after two years of busting your ass and all of your rapidly disintegrating knowledge base isn't worth jack shit.

i'm lost in a sea of trade names i have to pick up, dosing levels, abbreviations... all that crap. then having to remember patient names and doctor names and nurses names.

i find it all very exhausting. there's not enough victories in medicine. so many dumbasses putting themselves into the hospital for the nth time because they can't stop drinking. so many f'ing drug addicts. it's like every patient we need to start a goddamn withdrawal protocol.

and then you finally have the people who don't want to be sick. it makes you sad when despite all of the smiles and time spent and the caring and wanting to help you realize there's nothing you can do. that you spent a week and a half working towards a diagnosis and being there 3 hours late answering questions... and when you finally get a diagnosis you realize your patient can't get the fucking curative surgery anyway because they don't have any health insurance. you feel like you're doing a good job and then shit like that just ruins your day.

i wish there were more victories. More curing instead of discharging people a little less sick than they came in.

I watch my attending everday and how awesome and patient she is with everyone and I'm just amazed. how much she cares and how she might be the nicest person i've ever freakin met. i wish i could be that caring. because honestly sometimes i just want to slap some of our patients.

she's probably just faking it. she probably goes home and clubs her dogs or something.

I find myself leaning more and more towards doing radiology. And it feels so dirty and cheap.

i think my problem is i'm a lazy overachiever. i'm always willing to put the work it... but i hate myself as i do it. I care too much about my patients... or maybe my grade, who knows... but then i go home and whine about how tired it made me. i wish i could either just embrace the laziness or be an earnest hard worker.

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i need to stop whining. randy pausch died. :( i need to be more positivbe.

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peace

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Song of the Week - M.I.A. - Paper Planes (Remix Feat. Bun B & Rich Boy)